What is it about today that’s making me squirm? Something doesn’t feel right. Ok, what’s the date, maybe that will tell me something. June 11, 2009 (6/11/2009) 6 11 2 + 9 = 6/11/11. Those two eleven’s look scary, don’t they have something to do with big bad Jupiter kicking someone’s ass.
Got a message from my boss. Go to the SMALL ARMS AND AMMUNITION CONFERENCE ROOM AT 11:00. Wow that’s three eleven’s now. OK, I’m not wondering anymore FOR WHOM THE BELL TOLLS. It’s tolling right over my head.
I’m meeting now with HR people and other coworkers, some by phone and we are told that we are termed with future term dates.
HR: Some of you will be shot, oh excuse me, I mean termed at sunrise on November 4, 2009 and some you will be sh..sorry I mean termed at sunrise on January 4, 2010.
HR: You all have a 10,000 page termination packet in front of you which includes a blind fold and a termed badge. These two items must be worn at all times when you are on company property which will make you easily identifiable for security purposes.
In order for you to qualify for severance benefits you must read and sign each page of the termination packet. The signed document must be notarized, with a sworn declaration from a Circuit Judge and placed on file at the County Court House.
If you experience any stress related medical conditions such as feelings of hostility, if you suffer from liver or kidney disorders, low back pain, night blindness, sexual dysfunctions, hip injuries, if you become delusional or have blackouts lasting more than 4 hours you may be eligible for one free visit to a Universal Inc. appointed physician.
Do you have any questions?
Excuse me, yes I have questions. OK, my blindfold is black are there any other color options? Also, can we still participate in the talent show at the company picnic and will we still have access to the Julian Date Calendar next year and will we still be eligible to get the 20,000 United Way giving campaign e-mails this year? Oh, one other question, I have a 10 year old faded mouse pad on my desk with the Universal Inc. logo on it, can I take that with me when I leave?
My coworker Emily told me to SHUT UP and I could hear security forces moving in at a closer range so I took her advice and shut up.
So, we survived that first day. Emily was smart she immediately sought medical advice and went out of work for a medical condition. Most of us idiots just stuck it out and keep showing up at work, day after endless #^@%!*g day.
DEAR DIARY EMAILS TO EMILY TO KEEP HER POSTED
DAY 5: WISHING YOU WERE HERE
Hey Emily, missing you at work, Kathy is having heart palpitations daily and fighting with her family. You should be here, she needs to talk to someone and I can’t listen anymore. Janice spends most of her days in a hysterical type stupor and rambles on about being on final warning in addition to already being fired. Hope you are well.
Day 15: LAW AND ORDER
It is strange being at work since our jobs were eliminated. I took numerous breaks and since Emily was not here to tell me to SIT DOWN AND SHUT UP, I just wandered around talking all day.
A sense of lawlessness prevails in MAP claim processing. I disbursed numerous claims but didn’t check for plan exclusions like pre-existing or contestable conditions. Who fucking cares and after all who is going to check.
Emily left a lot of stuff on her desk like apples and fortune cookies and I am ashamed to say that Helga (Fraulein) and I looted her desk. We only took edibles, but tomorrow we might look for valuables.
This was Fraulein’s first day back, she looked shell shocked and said she thought everyone was staring at her and I tried to comfort her by explaining that we are like road kill. She didn’t appear to be comforted by that thought but I’m sure she will be once the truth sinks in.
Day 25: EDGE OF THE VILLAGE TALES
As expected the situation continues to deteriorate.
Janice is getting a lot of “INCOMING” from supervisor (Peggy). She was crying and said her suspense report was out of control. I said I would try to help. I got a copy of her report and looking down on it I was suddenly transported to the edge of the Grand Canyon, looking down on a vast scene of wild uncharted territory. AN EXHILARATING EXPERIENCE!
Fraulein has become increasingly delusional. She was very upset that our supervisor, Peggy had not called her. Peggy finally called her and Fraulein explained to Peggy that she had decided to move to a different team, because of her vast experience and background. I wanted to say “FRAULEIN YOU HAVE BEEN #@%$&G FIRED” DON’T YOU #$#@#$G GET IT. But could somehow hear Emily in the background saying SHUT UP, so I didn’t say anything.
Kathy is still crying and having heart palpitations. I am monitoring the situation and I keep the phone number for 911 by my phone just in case it’s needed.
I am looking forward to going to work everyday. There is a new sense of wonder and the work is glorious. Not only can you blow off your work by ignoring the old rules, but you can also E-mail your supervisor and she will help you blow off your work. I can hardly believe my good fortune.
Just sitting at work minding my own petty business and getting bombarded with pop ups from a co-worker (Sybil) working from home. Crazy stuff, like she is not attending a company web cast because we do not get downtime for that (reply, not going). But why are Kathy and Janice attending? I looked it up and we do not get down time (reply, not sure). I just checked again and we definitely do not get downtime (no reply, deleted msg), but muttering you stupid bitch you could have attended 10 webcasts by now. Next pop up, I am leaving at 12:00 can you handle file from RN, send my status letters, complete claims in my inbox, and make a phone call to a pissed Insured (reply, no). OK, THANK GOD IT’S 12:00 AND SHE’S FUCKING GONE. Phone rings, OMG, it’s Sybil (didn’t answer). Got home at 4:00 and had an e-mail from her (didn’t reply).
Next day at work Julian Date 187 and dreading my first pop up from her. Suddenly the office was filled with a strange light and OB ONE KANOBE appeared before me, he said, “LUKE, REACH OUT WITH YOUR FEELINGS, REMEMBER, THE FORCE IS ALWAYS WITH YOU. CLOSE YOUR EYES LUKE AND USE THE FORCE. IT’S OK TO HATE HER LUKE. REMEMBER YOU HAVE ALL BEEN FIRED, YOU DON’T HAVE TO WALK ON EGG SHELLS AROUND THAT MISERABLE MANIPULATING BITCH ANYMORE. REACH OUT LUKE AND EMBRACE THE DARK SIDE”. I did reach out and I did embrace the dark side and I was filled with a glorious sense of loathing. What a liberating experience. And the best part is that now DARTH VADER has taken over all my communications with her. THE FORCE IS WITH ME.
JD 189: The minute I got to work, Fraulein wanted to know the name of the face cream that Emily and I use and where do I get it. How much do I pay for it? She spent the next hour searching the in Internet for comparison pricing. In the meantime I was sitting there, all jacked up and feeling smug and thinking “OMG I must look hot”.
Kathy came in and sent me a pop up about women who wear tight jeans and try to look like teenagers (reply, HEY, DON’T HATE ME BECAUSE I’M EASY ON THE EYE), but secretly thinking “OMG I MUST REALLY LOOK HOT”!
I spent several minutes with visions of tractor collisions caused by farmers staring at me and women looking at my new ball gown with envy and hatred. Sadly, by the time I got home it was midnight and my ball gown had turned back into jeans. When I looked in the mirror to see my new hot look, I had changed back to my real self and I didn’t look so hot. But it was so great dancing at that Ball.
WHICH ONE OF YOU MORONS WAS THE CREEP STARING AT?
JD 190: Heard angry voices drifting over from the Pre-Existing team “Well, I’m just saying, I was the one he was staring at all night and now you have a date with him”. “He was making comments about my boobs and every time you left he moved over and started talking to me”.
Asked Joyce to go to the break room to find out what was going on. A creep in the bar was staring at Joyce, he was not attractive and she would never go out with him, he was a creep. So Linda got his phone number, started texting him and Linda ended up asking him for a date.
I wanted to say “YOU FUCKING MORONS, DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW PATHETIC YOU SOUND”. But Emily’s voice came from out of nowhere telling me to SHUT UP, so I didn’t say what I wanted to say. But I did suggest that they each go home and put on an extra layer of red toe nail polish.
FLYING @ 10,000 FEET ABOVE SEA LEVEL:
From this great height, Kathy spied a prescription bottle sitting in a remote area at the back of Emily’s desk. Fearing an incident with border patrol, when Kathy suddenly became oddly fixated on Emily’s desk, I took the RX and asked Linda to return it Emily.
In other drug related news, Janice hasn’t shown up for work all week.
DO THE MATH:
Janice came out of Alladin’s lamp on Wednesday long enough to complete her holiday week time sheet. She said, I am so excited because I will have completed my hours for the week at 1:00 and I can leave. I worked 11 hrs Monday, 9 hrs Tuesday, 4 hrs Wednesday, so with the 8 hrs Holiday hrs, that brings me to the 32 hrs needed for the week. I said “actually we need 40 hrs for the week, do you have PTO hrs”? No, I turned that back in, I don’t need PTO because I have the 8 Holiday hrs to get me to the 32 hrs needed.
I did not say, OK YOU #$@%^$#G WING-NUT, GOOD LUCK GETTING THAT TIME SHEET PAST PEGGY, but I really, really wanted to.
A friend was telling me that when he had to pick up construction supplies at Home Depot in Philly, that hundreds of guys were lined up outside the store trying to get jobs with the contractors who shop there for supplies. He said it was really sad to see so many people desperate for jobs.
Fraulein was telling me about her husband’s business not doing well so I shared the Home Depot story with her.
BIG MISTAKE, she became very agitated and said “I WOULD DO THAT, Universal Inc. COULD PUT ME TO WORK PULLING WEEDS AND DOING OUTSIDE WORK, I WOULD DO THAT TO KEEP MY JOB AND BENEFITS”.
I did not say, FRAULEIN, YOU ARE A #$@#$%$ WING-NUT, IN THE FIRST PLACE, ALL THOSE ILLEGAL ALIENS YOU SEE OUTSIDE ARE NOT HIRED BY Universal Inc.. THEY ARE HIRED BY CONTRACTORS, SO YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE TO STAND OUTSIDE HOME DEPOT WITH EVERYONE ELSE TO GET THE GARDNING JOB, but I really wanted to. Although, she would have looked good out there in her little gloves and gardening hat.
Fraulein asked me to copy her with any Dear Diary entries that I send to Emily. I couldn’t tell her that might not work out well, since she would not find the Fraulein entries amusing.
Emily is still not back at work and I noticed that her phone has the red message light on. I worry that all those little red lights are going to build up in there and cause her phone to explode. I wanted to leave her a message and say “Emily it will be ok we’ve been doing this all our lives, watching a door close behind us as we move towards another door that is starting to open”. But I was afraid that my message would be the last little red light that would cause her phone to explode, so I will just tell her when she comes back.
WOW so many people have asked “how is Emily, when is she coming back”? Seems that Emily has this reputation of being the real thing, a genuine nice person and the concern people have for her is not just idle talk. They really love her.
Actually I have started to suspect that my Dear Diary notes to her, which started as a way to make her laugh, have become my own best therapy in a bad situation. A loss which seems to branch out into other losses and other feelings until you just say, ok I’m in for a hard time.
On the other hand I know Emily would not be happy if I totally lost my sense bizarre and negative humor. So when people are telling me how wonderful she is, I am smiling and agreeing, but I am thinking “OH YEAH, well little miss perfect must have some flaws, OH SURE, she looks good and seems nice, but there must be a dark side to her. But now is not the time to go into Emily’s sex life.
It’s really a Weird thing, continuing to show up for work after we faced the FIRING SQUAD. It’s like being terminally ill patients. When we were first diagnosed people felt bad that we were going to die and now a month into our illness, everyone is waiting for us to die. Then they can say, “I’m glad they are not suffering anymore” and move on with their lives.
Not sure exactly when it happened, maybe we just wanted to feel like we had power, but we turned to WHITCHCRAFT and started planning related rituals and events to call on the dark powers to defeat our enemies.
We are really excited about our first event, a VOO DOO BONFIRE. This will be huge bonfire and we will burn all of our resource material, medical dictionary, EHIP guidelines for max benefit pattern paragraphs, JD calendars, emergency snow phone list, project future guidelines and mouse pads. It’s all going, and if we can figure out a way to get our computers, keypads and monitors past security they are going also. In addition, Kathy is fashioning an executive effigy and a Universal Inc. flag to throw on the flame. Fittingly, the bonfire will be held on in the BLAIR MILL WITCH PROJECT parking lot. In a final act of defiance we will also smoke cigarettes on company property.
GREAT NEWS, we just got word that our team mates from MW have rented a school bus and are coming in for the bonfire. They are all bringing their little Dutch wonderland Fraulein Helga outfits to dance around the fire. They also volunteered to bring cases of the famous MW beer. I had to veto the beer idea, since that might draw local teenagers and cause problems with local law enforcement. But still, THIS IS GOING TO BE THE GREATEST BONFIRE EVER.
We have been practicing another event in the huddle room. Kathy Janice, Fraulein and I are dong a Karioke version of ALL YOU ZOMBIES. We are planning to enter our act in the talent show at the world famous Universal Inc. company picnic. Kathy is working our costumes, we can utilize our firing squad blindfolds and wear black robes. I can just see us on stage singing “ALL YOU ZOMBIES SHOW YOUR FACES, ALL YOU PEOPLE IN THE STREET, ALL YOU Universal Inc. EXECUTIVES, THE RAIN’S GONNA FALL ON YOU”. I wonder what the first place prize is.
The MAIN EVENT will be a sacrifice. Due to the grave situation, we have decided that the only way to go is to have a human sacrifice. We have made a unanimous choice for the sacrifice and the only thing left is for us to convince Sybil to accept this great honor that we have bestowed on her.
Gotta go, LET THE RITUALS BEGIN
Have you ever started a conversation with someone and had a premonition that you would be walking away from the conversation, shaking you head in total confusion? Janice and I were having a conversation about her physicians visits when I suddenly had that premonition, and sure enough there I was two weeks later walking away and shaking my head in total confusion.
Week 1: Janice said she felt so stressed that she called a Universal Inc. Dr. listed in our term package. She explained that they seemed very nice and assured her that they were not working for Universal Inc., in fact they were not allowed to report their findings to Universal Inc. so everything would be confidential. She said she made an appointment for next Friday. Next Friday came and went and when she didn’t show up for work the next week I assumed that there must have been “abnormal findings”.
Week 2: After being off work for a week Janice came in on Monday and I got a chance to ask her about her visit to the Universal Inc. Dr. She said, OH THAT, that appointment is for this week, but it is for a different Dr. I spent all last week on the verge of having a stroke.
OK, that appointment last week was for a Dr. that you actually have an appointment with this week and now the appointment is really with a stroke Dr. whose real appointment may be this week. OH now I get it, this is BACK TO THE FUTURE, right? And tell me again what happened to that first appointment for last week that you didn’t have until this week. She did begin an explanation regarding past present and future appointments for past present and future conditions but my head had already started shaking and I was already walking away. WOW, I think I have become a Psychic or maybe I have become Psychotic. Not really sure anymore.
Suddenly it occurred to me that there might be a very lucrative position for her out there in the real world. I called the office of the new DRUG CZAR and explained the situation. He said that he might have an opening in a new program for fighting drug abuse among teenagers. The new program is codenamed WOODSTOCK. He asked to speak with Janice and shortly after that she was offered a position as a counselor in the new program. She explained that her new position will involve sitting down with teenagers who have been targeted as potential drug users and have 3 hour meaningful conversations with them. She said that the DRUG CZAR told her that he firmly believes that after the teenagers have a 3 hour conversation with her they will be forced to rethink their commitment to drug use.
OH WOW, This is so great! Janice can provide a great service to society while earning some extra money for drugs. TALK ABOUT A HAPPY ENDING!
FROM THE LADES OF MINNESOTA TO THE HILLS OF TENNESSE, ACROSS THE PLAINS OF TEXAX FROM SEA TO SHINING SEA, FROM DETROIT DOWN TO HOUSTON, FROM NEW YORK TO LA, THERE IS PRIDE IN EVERY AMERICAN AND IT’S TIME WE STAND AND SAY “I’M PROUD TO BE AN AMERICAL WHERE AT LEAST I KNOW I’M FREE.
I really get choked up with pride when I think about the wonderful day @ Universal Inc. BLAIR MILL WITCH PROJECT ON Wednesday JD 201. It was one of those magical days where you just sit back and think. OMG IT REALLY CANNOT GET ANY BETTER THAN THIS.
It started @ 11:00 with one of Martha’s much anticipated division meetings. Sitting there listening to the drone. CPU took 20 million, QUALITY gave out 21 million errors (she is surprised by a sudden increase in quality review claims). OH THAT’S A BIG F#$%&$G SURPRISE, 50 billion claims were automated, Terri demoted Paulson has a six sigma project. Nancy is talking about TGIF, I always thought that TGIF was code for THAT GUY IS F#@$^%G HOT, but as she explained it means TOGETHER IT’S FUN (same thing really) and 3 very lucky people got candy bars for answering F#$%&@G STUPID NEWS YOU CAN’T USE questions.
Martha didn’t seem to mind when the UNIVERSAL MIND of the claim examiners took over the meeting, she just kept the same F#@$^&G monotonous voice as if she couldn’t hear the collective mind of the examiners in their jeans and hoodies, sitting there, trapped behind locked doors and really getting pissed.
But I could hear them loud and clear, distinct voices rising up in harmony WHO GIVES A F#@$. WHO GIVES A F$#@$^G RATS ASS. SHOVE IT UP YOUR ASS Martha. CAN WE GO BACK TO OUR F#$%&#G DESKS NOW. JACK SPRAT COULD EAT NO FAT, HIS WIFE COULD EAT NO LEAN AND SO BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM THEY LICKED THE PLATTER CLEAN (hey, where did that come from). OH YEAH, WELL F#@K YOU Universal Inc.. OMG was that a rock that flew by my head. OMG SOMEONE THREW A SHOE, wow this is turning into a mob scene!
I was filled with admiration for Martha, even as the crowd became threatening, she never waivered in her monotone splendor and didn’t miss one F#@$&^G talking point. She did duck that shoe nicely, made it look like she was tying her shoe, but other than that she never moved. WHAT A GREAT MEETING!
Got back to my desk @ 11:30, I had just resolved a CONTEST FILE so I was again filled with pride when I was able to pay $68.00 on a $16, 998.00 hospital claim.
I took a complaint call from an irrational and irate insured, seems that some MORON had denied a charge for an ear ache as pre-existing condition. I was so pumped up after the division meeting that a surge of generosity and power overwhelmed me and I reversed the decision and shelled out the $5.00 due under their plan. Hope this Insured appreciates the risk I am taking on their behalf.